Why?

I can't stop
I can't stop thinking about you
I can't get you out of my mind
No matter what I do
And it hurts
Hurts like hell not knowing how you feel
And it makes my heart sink deeper
Because I just want an appeal
I have no idea
No idea what happened to us
You were so amazing one day
And the next day you lost my trust
It's frustrating
So damn frustrating that you're gone
And you just disappeared
Without telling me what went wrong
I'm disappointed
Just disappointed with all of this
Because I know what your heart really wants
Me wrapped up in you, sealed with a kiss
I don't get it
I just don't get why you can't say it to me
Is it that you're scared to be vulnerable
Or that you just don't want to make the plea
What's worst
The absolute worst is that a talk is long over due
But I really just want to be in your arms
And tell you how much I love you
But I can't
Baby I just can't keep feeling like I'm living a lie
Just stop this now and pursue me like never before
So I can stop wondering why
Why? Why? Why?

Pursuit

I know what you're thinking
I know what you feel
I know you want me back
So make this real
Just text me once
Just pick up the phone
And just stop pretending
You're glad I'm gone

Don't be that way
Don't act like that
I can read through you
You want me back
Don't do this to us
Cut the skit
I need you to pursue me
So just do it!

I know what you want
But you don't want to move first
But for you not to try at all
Is simply the worst
Just be a man
And don't act shy
Come for your woman
Before I'm with another guy

Please don't be that way
Don't act like that
I can read through you
You know you want me back
Don't do this to yourself
Just cut the skit
I want you to pursue me
So just do it!

What must I do
What must I say
For you to truly understand
That I feel the same way
I just can't be the one
My mind is made
To make the first move
For me, is not a gain

So don't be that way
Don't act like that
I can read through you
You want me back
Don't do this to us
Cut the skit
I need you to pursue me
So just do it!

Just say you're sorry
Just be a man
Just get out of your pride
I know you can
Just be who I know you to be
Just be that man I crave
Just come and rescue me
Just come back to me and say

"I won't be that way
I won't act like that
You read through me
And I want you back
I won't do this to us
I'm gonna cut the skit
This is me pursuing you
And I needed to do it!"

Just Friends

When I look into your eyes
I feel so safe
And I long for your touch
Your handsome face
To bring me comfort
In an unfamiliar place
And yet we're here in this place
Though you smile at me
I want you to take the first step
And come after me
So we can both feel
Like we're finally free
To love again
And baby, just be
But I'm just afraid
That when you look into my eyes, you don't see me
It's not just other women
But you're distracted by so many things
Like how to be around me
Without catching feelings
But I'll be the first to say, that's hard to do
To be around me without attaching strings.
I know there's something there
I can feel it in my soul
Don't you see my true beauty?
For you to see it, is my goal
It's just hard to swallow
To know the reality of my role
I want this madness to end...
I can no longer take that we're just friends.

Healing Hurts

Healing hurts
Especially when it's you
That had nothing to do
With the relationship being through
It hurts even more
When you've given labor
To two kids you have to provide for
And he shows you the door.
It hurts like hell
Because for some reason you've failed
And when your kids ask questions
The truth, you can't even tell.
Yes, my heart is dying
But it gasps for air when times are worst
That's the pain I feel inside
When healing hurts.

Healing hurts
When you just can't explain
Why your heart is stained
Because the knife went through your back, causing heart's pain
It feels like a crime
When you've given so much of your life
Now you want to rewind
Just to get back some of that time
It's just not fair
As much as you want to clear the air
It will never go away
And the pain will always be there
You want to move on with your life
But you feel like you've been cursed
That's what keeps you from moving on
When healing hurts.

But the hurting has to cease
The sexual temptation needs a release
The feeling is so addictive
But this doesn't feel like me
Needing a companion
Loving every man
This is not my heart's desire
How did I get myself here? Damn...
Then I think I want you back
Forgetting your selfish and damaging track
How can I forgive the past
And in fear, my heart beats excruciatingly fast
My thoughts drift off far away
And again I feel like I'm back in a hearse
This is the never ending feeling
When healing hurts.

Then I see Him
My Father, it's the Son
Who picks me up in His arms
And suddenly I feel safe at home
He wipes my tears away
And tells me there will be no more pain
He has taken the permanent stain
So this new life I can gain
"Just focus on me
And you will begin to see
That the pain will disappear
And from it, I'll set you free!"
Just like that, it was gone
The pain, heartache and the worst
No longer do I experience
When the healing hurts.

All The Things I Couldn't Say

There're so many things I want to say
But the opportunity doesn't exist
And it's probably good that it doesn't 
Because if I saw you just once
I know I wouldn't be able to resist
I'm so mad that I feel this way
Because I was trying so hard not to get attached
But you hooked me quick
Yep you hooked me good
And now I'm forcing myself to detach

Because the things I want to say
Would never come out the way
That I need them to right now
So I stay away
That way I won't see your face
And I hope you get the message, somehow.

I grew familiar with you so fast
And it caught me off guard
I had planned a life with you
Had already given my heart to you
Which is why it makes this so hard
I had a hard time trusting people
But I let you in
And maybe that was the problem
Because I saw things I didn't like
And that's where the lies and untruths begin

Now the things I want to say
Would never come out the way
That I need them to right now
So I stay away
That way I won't see your face
And I hope you get the message, somehow.

You don't even know the things I know
Like how you lied to me
I saw her awards on the wall
And her pink panties on the floor
But yet you still expect me to believe
I just can't play this game anymore
Because what you give me just isn't true
And there are still so many things I want to say
Things with you, I'll never be able to do
But worst of all, you'll never know that I loved you.

Yes, there were things I wanted to say
But they would've never come out the way
That I would have ever needed them to, now
So I'll stay far away
That way you won't see the tears on my face
And I hope you get the message, somehow....

A letter to the kid....

The love of my life
My life's greatest joy
Began with the birth
Of a perfect little boy
He makes me smile
He makes me cry
And he knows he annoys me
Whenever he asks why
But his smile is contagious
I can't help but laugh too
And we laugh even harder
When there's nothing to do
He reminds me so much of me
He is so ambitious
He works so hard
And eats so nutritious
And he's so darn smart
Maybe even smarter than me
And he's growing so fast
He's almost taller than me
We're in the trenches now
Those pre-teen years
We've gained an attitude
And we've shed some tears
I love you with everything
Even so
In the years to come
You'll continue to grow
You don't know yet
How great you'll be
But I know one day
We'll both be able to see
You'll be a strong godly man
With love in his heart
With a smart work ethic
And a career to start
You'll talk often with The Lord
He knows you by name
And you'll teach your children
To do the same
You'll make a wonderful husband
And love your wife
And because you know The Lord
You'll love her right
Yes, you'll be that great man
I've trained you to be
Yes, you have a bright future
You just wouldn't believe.

P.S.
Trust in The Lord
He'll be your guide
When you want to make bad decisions
He'll make you wise.

Love, your mama
This one's from me
You'll always be my boy
And your mommy, I'll always be.

When You're Gone

What happened to you
Baby where did you go
I had it figured out in my mind
But I truly didn't want to know
It hurts so bad
But I don't want to cry
So I just sit in silence
While my heart wonders why

Why did you have to go?
Why did you have to leave?
You're probably out having fun
While the pain is killing me

What happened to you
Did you not think that I cared
All I wanted was you to myself
And the time you wouldn't spare
What hurts the worst
Is knowing that you really do love me
But you waste so much of your time
Instead of giving them all up for me

Why are you choosing to go?
Why do you want to leave?
I know you're out playing around
While those thoughts of you are killing me

What is happening with you
What is it that I have to prove
That I'm the best your eyes have seen
Do I really have to make you choose
I don't know how to say it
Why can't you just see
That you're wasting your life
Every minute you're not with me

Baby please don't go
My love, don't choose to leave
You and I can have much more fun
And I wouldn't have to worry about the pain killing me

Hate Mail

I loved you once
But that's no longer in existence
I wouldn't dare again
No matter how much you were persistent
I gave you every part of me
Right down to the bone
But you made a fool of me
For every time you left me alone
I want to give you a piece of my mind
But wouldn't know where to start
You did so many terrible things
That just crushed and killed my heart.
How could one person be so evil
I often wonder to myself
But then I gain some perspective
And pull my journal off the shelf.
How hard is it to love
When you have it so easy
You had a wife and two kids
But you still chose to be sleazy
You had a third without me
What? Were you going in for the kill?
But I forgave you, of course
And let you do what you willed
I must have been blind
So blind to see
That you didn't care at all
No, you didn't love me.
The way you spoke to me
The way you raised your hand to my face
I lost all respect for you
And yet, I chose to stay.
You embarrassed me in front of our boy
Humiliated me as a woman
You put us out of our house
And you call yourself a man
I dream of hurting you most days
Even wished you were dead
It was selfish of my heart to feel it
So of course, it wasn't said
Yet I have this underlying pain
That numbly mourns for you
Because you're wasting your life
Because you want to act like a fool.
You make it so hard to even like you
The way you are hurting our daughter and son
They hurt so bad, but they'll be alright
They will not be the only ones
To hurt and feel this kind of pain
Because you'll feel it also
When it's dark and you're all alone
When you hit your lowest low
And I hope you feel what you've put them through
They did not deserve it
Meaning a father who's a jerk and so damn selfish
Who embodies that much shit
I have to get this out my system
I have to let you go
But before you disappear
I want to let you know
You will be nothing greater
Because you stand in your own way
You will drown in your selfishness
Yes, there will be a day
You'll be disappointed and have regrets
That will stack up to the sky
You'll be so confused and lost
And will ask yourself why
Why am I so lonely?
Wy does my life feel like a jail?
And I will gladly send you this letter:
Your own personal hate mail.

I Think I Love You

Thought I lost you today
Just because of the way
I treated you the other day
I don't know what I was thinking
I don't think I was thinking at all
Couldn't believe it when you called.
I tried to let you go
Really because I just didn't know
How to love since my heart was broke.
So I threw my true feelings away
My mind was made
And my heart couldn't be persuaded
Just after 24 hours, my heart mourned
My mind was blank and I was torn
And I realized, that I only want you.
I have fallen so hard for you
To you, I don't know how I drew
But to love you, my heart grew
I love everything about you
And I honestly don't know what to do
Because to you my heart flew.
Nobody else can even begin to compete
You help discover things about me
And with you, my life just seems complete.
I want you in my life
Those 24 hours, I can't again deal with the strife
I'm hoping one day you'll make me your wife.
I think of only you
I just want to be with you
I think I'm madly in love with you
No regrets, I'm not sorry and I deserve this for me
I know you want me too, and you deserve me
This would be my world if up to me.
Not knowing how you really feel
I know you can't be without me, nor me without you
Damn, I think I love you!

Yesterday's Thoughts of You

I thought of you yesterday
And the tears began to fall
I think because of my heartache
And the pain from it all.
Still wondering how you could do this to me
When I forgave you for everything
You were my life, my love
Hell, I gave you every piece of me.
But you were still so evil
And you threw everything we had away
To your children, to your wife
How could you treat us this way?
I'm not just hurt by you
I'm mad as hell
That after all I've forgiven you for
You could selfishly bid me farewell.
Sometimes I just sit and cry
Questioning why you did me so wrong
When I should really be questioning
Why I put up with it for so long.
Perhaps it's because I was so in love
I just couldn't clearly see
All the wrong you were doing in our life
And how it could all come back to bite me.
But I tried to do what was right
Tried to love you like a good Christian wife
And you killed my heart, burned my trust
It felt like you were cutting me with a knife.
Now I'm left to pick up the pieces
Because you never would
You're not even showing up in our kid's lives
Like you've been called to do and should.
Well, it's over now
You and I are long gone
A new chapter opens for me
As I figure out just how to move on....