So what!

So what if he left!
So what if he once cared!
So what if he provided it all!
If his heart and his body
Was sinfully shared.

So what if he was once so gentle!
So what if the past memories were the best!
So what if it was all so perfect back then!
If he's really not in it anymore
And you keep losing rest.

Baby you're beautiful!
And you better know that's true
His once every other night mistakes
Don't define you!
You've put up with so much
And I know right now it hurts like hell
But you can't keep torturing yourself
While your heart spends eternity in jail
You're so much better than that
Better than the constant slaps in the face
It's time to give up that toxic relationship
And walk into life with complete grace.

Just think about all of the pain and hurt
Everything that you've been through
He was a coward for how he treated you
Baby girl, aren't you through?!
For the times that he pushed you in the corner
For the time he clipped you on your nose
Or the time he put you out of the house
And your toes were frozen cold...
For every time he gave another 'the eye'
And then acted upon it with his hand on her bosom
Honey, don't be fooled by his kindness now
Here, there's no confusion.

But let's forget about him for a minute
Let's pretend he doesn't even exist
Without him would you not feel freedom
Instead of those marks on your wrists?
Baby, who are you?
Really, who are you on the inside?
A girl who sits in a puddle of guilt
Or a woman who walks with pride?
Yes, the road ahead is going to be hard
There's a solid rocky road ahead
But each and every day gets a little easier
Once you dismiss all that he's put in your head.

For once you have to put yourself first
Give your soul what it craves and wants
People will say what they want, but as long as you're safe
So what!

To Know You.

I don't even know you
But I feel like I've known you my whole life
Your very being intrigues me
Your mere breathing simply defines
Everything I've ever wanted
Your soul, so pure and clean
A heart of gold that's filled with insight
Why've you waited so long to come here
And breakthrough my world just right?
The blooming sunflower in my frozen forest
There used to be pure darkness
But the tunnel is becoming so much clearer
There's a light shining over me
As you take leaps and bounds to come nearer
And I'm beginning to feel found again...

It feels so good and has me questioning...
Like, where have you been all my life?
Like when I was experiencing so much strife?
Why did I have to go through so much pain back then?
Just to experience your greatness?
Why do you see exactly what I see in myself?
Beauty, gorgeousness, intelligence, strength and health?
How did you quickly go from a distant stranger?
To being my hero and soldier?
I mean, is this all so very real?
Or is it just another trick to see how long it will take me to heal?
On a positive note, you're so perfect and how can that be?
And out of all of my beautiful sisters, why did you choose me?

I'm sure to every question, you have an answer...
And there's so much for us to discover
I'm anticipating every moment to be in your presence
And sit on the edge of my seat to listen to every single word.

You've Changed

You changed on me quickly
Moved on from me swiftly
Just days ago inseparable
And suddenly you quit me
I never thought you'd hurt me
I swear I feel dirty
You tricked me into falling for you
Only to desert me
Even though you're still around
It's so hard for me now
To look at you the same
I try to smile, but inside I frown
Because everything was so good
From where we both stood
One day just changed everything
And I never thought it could
You were all about me
Everything you did made me happy
Wanting to see me everyday
And doing everything to please me
But now something just ain't right
Your communication isn't tight
We laid for hours effortlessly together
And now I lose sleep at night
Things just seem so strange
Scattered like loose change
You're just so different now
Man, why did you have to change?

Greatest Love of Mine...

Life is too short
Not to have it all
But sometimes it's a simple solution
Stop asking too small:

If I could have it all
To me, it would be a simple plan
Nothing too extravagant
Just simply wrapped up in a man.
He doesn't have to be Denzel
But his complexion and a nice smile wouldn't hurt
All of the following I wouldn't have to tell
Because he would shower me by knowing my worth.
Present me with sunflowers on a rainy day
Have the candles lit in the bathroom when I get home
Remind me how much he adores me are some things he'd say
And always make sure I never feel alone.
He'd always hold my hand tight in public
And give me gentle kisses on my forehead in private
Make me feel like the most important person to him would do it
Yeah, that would always do the trick.
He'd strive hard to deliver me the world
And maybe a couple of babies along the way
Maybe not always diamonds and pearls
But sacrifice eight hours of work, just so we could have a day.
He'd know exactly what to do to help me relax
Treat me like his one and only queen
He'd know how to gently set me straight when I don't have all of the facts
And I'd submissively listen because he's my king.
He'd continue to date me, even when we're old and gray
And would forever treat me as his most prized possession
And we'd have all amazing days
Until the day one of us are called to heaven.

But even on that painful day, one thing would remain true
We would've experienced the greatest love of all time
Our hearts and our souls would be at capacity, in how we grew
From him being the best and the greatest love of mine...

Her...

It's been a good ride
It's been a lot of fun
Now I have tears filling my eyes
At the thought that we may be done
Sweet kisses on my lips
Close cuddles with you
Dancing with your hands on my hips
And a million moments of laughter too...

But I can't give you my heart
If you won't give your heart to me
To fall in love with a man
When that man doesn't love me
Yeah, that's just crazy...

I don't want to be a fool
And I don't want to go insane
But you made me fall for you
And yet things may never be the same
Because all I can think about now is her
And knowing that's where you'd rather be
But she must be some incredible girl
For you to overlook me...

And I wanted you to have my heart
And yet you keep your heart from me
I've fallen so hard for you
And you don't even love me
All of it is just saddening...

Every part of me wants to try
Try to move on from this
But I know my soul would internally cry
With every gentle kiss
Because I'll never know if it's me you're thinking of
Or the girl from your past
And I'll always doubt that I'm earning your love
Or if the moment of the present will be our last...

And it's so hard because you have my heart
But you never gave your heart to me
Because as I was falling for you
You never loved me
Now what was such a beautiful beginning
Is becoming my most painful ending...

So Into You...

I'm so into you
You have no idea
The things that keep running through
My pretty little head sitting here
Got me dreaming again
Never thought I'd live again
Couldn't even imagine myself winning
Until the night I saw you...

I tell you that you're the best
You laugh, but I mean every word
The way you look at me
Doesn't make my day, it's making my world

Your smile completely brightens my day
And your laugh is so contagious
My face blushes with every word you say
This explosive feeling is outrageous

You constantly make me feel beautiful
And never put a doubt in my mind
You boost my confidence and make my life so full
Even encourage me and my grind

But your gentle kisses on my skin
Flutter butterflies like I'm sixteen again
Who knew kisses could be so intense?
And I never want them to end!

I can go on and on about how you make me happy
And all of the amazing things you do
It's all of these things that make you amazing
And why I'm so into you...

I'm so into you
Maybe you have a little bit of a clue
Because I run through your mind too
As I'm sitting here
Daydreaming about you again
So ecstatic that I'm alive again
Can't imagine anything other than winning
Now that I know you...

Insecure Heart Rush...

What can he possibly see in me?

He says I'm so beautiful

But I feel so ugly

He clearly doesn't see what I see

This has to be but only a dream

Because I've been hurt before

Tarnished and burned

I said the last lesson of love

Was enough lessons learned

Because I keep ending up on the wrong side of the tracks

It was charming looking forward

But deception looking back

I'm mean and can be rude

He says those are lies

Says I'm witty and funny

Baby, that's just a disguise

To hide all of my insecurities

Not for a second can I lie

I fell madly in love with a man

And when we married, our love died

But when I look at you

I'm ready to fall

But I'm so scared that you'll hurt me

And we'll be nothing at all

Is this the curse and the lie

The enemy wants me to believe?

That I' such damaged goods

So much nobody will love me?

It's foolishness, I know

To believe it all

But it doesn't cease the nervousness

When I feel my heart fall

There's nothing more that I want

Than to be wrapped up in your arms

Fall asleep to your heartbeat

And never sound the alarm...

The Unraveling

You were so original
Yet so common
And I was caught off guard
You had perfect timing
But I've been trying to figure you out
Since the moment you opened your mouth
Really, who are you?
Because I'm starting to have my doubts
You're looking like everything but what you claimed
Everything but what you claimed to be
And maybe I would understand
If you weren't becoming those things to me
Words hurt, you know?
Especially when they're not filled with truth
It's like claiming you're a fruit tree
And yet, you bare no fruit
I just have to know why
Why you chose to even look my way
Why you even invited me to into your life
Why you chose those words to say
Man, I thought our friendship meant something
Truth is, it meant the world to me
But now I can't look at your face without sulking
And more each day, you become nothing to me
But the glory here is it's your life
It's not mine
And it's completely your prerogative
To keep going on, living a lie
But please take heed
Everything you reap is due to what you sow
And at the rate you're going
Nothing in your life will grow
Well, with the exception of your loneliness
And your sorrow
When you look back over your life
Maybe then, you'll know...

Dear Future...

Dear Future,

I know you're right around the corner
But I just can't wait to tell you how I feel
I know you're the one that I've been waiting for
Just haven't yet appeared to capture my heart to steal
I do know that you're the one I've been praying for
And I don't mean for my own selfish needs
But I've been praying for so much more
Trust me, the magnitude you wouldn't believe
Constantly praying for your pure heart
Praying for your commitment to a marriage's infinity
So that our souls will never have the desire to part
And that you will forever have eyes for only me
Praying for your persistency
And that you'll pursue me all on your own
And that your strength is easily proven with consistency
That we have in common long walks, laughs and talking on the phone
Constantly praying for my strength too
Praying for my strong will to be submissive
And that I can be the most supportive person to you
And learn to not allow my attitude to be dismissive
You have no idea how much I love you already
I had in my mind what I would never do
But I'd readily carry and birth your baby
Because you'll be my equal and I'd do anything for you
You'll never hurt me like I've been hurt before
All of those bad memories will be long forgotten
I can't wait to see, for us, what God has in store
You'll already and finally be a dream...when we happen...

Love,

Your Future

Freestyle Hurt...

I was fooled by you
Yes, I played the fool
To think that you could play by the rules
And that everything that you said to me was truth
Now I'm looking back like
Who the hell are you?
That's not what you were supposed to do
I thought you loved me too

Ha! But that's probably what I get
Nothing that we had was legit
I can't even believe anything that you've said
But after all of the things that I did
This is how you thank me?
Maybe you really ain't shit
And no matter how much I love you
This moment right here I won't forget

Man, I thought you were my friend
Or was it all just for pretend?
I can't go down this road again
After all of the time we've spent
I opened up myself to you
Thought my heart was on the mend
Only for you to beat it up with a wrench
And I'm left bleeding in the end

Damn I have some choice words
But I don't even know if they are of your worth
Remember you invited me on your turf
That shit is for the birds
Because you set me up
How you gonna treat me like dirt
Off of my back, I'd give you my shirt
I only hope you experience this hurt

But you're going to look up one day
And you're going to wonder why you did me that way
When you're all alone and don't have the words to say
Not even have my head on your chest to lay
Because I'll be long gone
I hope you feel that soon one day
You'll realize how good I was to you
And know that nothing will ever be the same...

**You can give somebody the world, but if they don't choose to reciprocate those feelings, the truth is, you're still in it alone...  Don't sit around and be the fool for somebody that is not willing to be to you what you are to them...**

Nothing More...

The day we met
I knew there was something special about you
And I promise my heart has tried to avoid the danger
I've seriously thought it through and through
But we've developed this bond
That's just not easily broken
When you look at me and smile
I can read the words in your head, unspoken
And maybe they should remain that way
Some things are better left unsaid
Maybe some things we just shouldn't say
And lead it to the imagination instead
But I'm so tired of dreaming
I just want to be your everything
To have your golden brown skin forever by my side
Would simply be amazing
But maybe I'm just fooling myself
A part of my heart knows we'll never be
Your life is just way too complicated
Too hard to just leave it behind and come to me
I realize that there are just some things that I can't ask you to do
But you've stolen a part of my heart
And I can't fathom separating myself
And being apart
Maybe this is all a fantasy
I just refuse to beg these things of you
I'll always love you my friend
Even though at the end, I know I won't be who you choose
You've brought me so much joy
And have put so much excitement back into my life
And we will forever be just friends
Because anything more would be a crime
I'm in love with living on the dangerous side of you
So much that my hearts gets sore
And even though I love you beyond words
We will never be anything more...

This Is My Story...

Some of the things I'm about to say
Many of you won't want to hear
Even thinking about it after the passed time
Still brings my eyes to tears
Beyond my greatest pains and sorrows
Still lies my greatest fears
Just the simple thought of seeing his face
And just coming near
But this is my awful story
No matter how happy I may appear

The touch of his hand
Which grazed my face
I know from a husband, it seems endearing
But there was no such thing in that place
A blow so hard to the head
That I lost all sense of space
But I would play nice and bring honor to him
Just to keep him from looking like a disgrace
This is my story
Even though I never left a trace

It's crazy because I loved him incredibly
More than anybody I've loved at any time
And yet this husband of mine couldn't resist infidelity
Ha! He did it so much, it should've been a crime
There were many nights of restlessness
Because emotionally, I was nowhere near fine
And then a sweet baby boy came
A sweet baby boy that belonged to him, but wasn't mine
It would appear that our forever story
Was simply running out of time

Who would've ever thought that when I said, "I do."
That this would be the shame I'd bring upon my name
No matter the number of chances I gave him
Nothing would ever change
The evil eyes he gave me while pinning me in a corner
And realizing the man I once dearly loved, would never be the same
Experiencing nights that I'd rather be dead and gone
Than to ever lie in bed amongst the lame
Yes, this is my story
Which once caused me so much pain

But thank God the story doesn't stop there
Places of beginnings are where oldies end
I finally realized the meanings of low valleys
And what the highs of the mountain tops meant
God placed me around so many people
But secured in my life a priceless friend
I was in a place where I was constantly losing
And yet surprisingly this sorrow was a win
This is the end of that painful story
But thank God it's not where my story ends...

Undeserving & Overcome

Thought I knew everything about life
And then you came along
I realize now, I had no idea what I was doing
And I was getting it all wrong
Through my moments of silence with you
And praising you with sweet songs
Every time I encounter you
It's evident that you were what was missing all along

There are so many things that my flesh desires
Things that I know I can no longer keep
All of the horrible things that I've sown
I'm so thankful that you don't allow me to also reap
And knowing that I constantly tread in muddy waters
You come right behind me and wipe my feet clean
Oh your presence in my life
Is beyond all of the things I once considered to be so sweet

There's nobody else in my life who has meant so much
I'm dumbfounded daily to know that you chose me!
I'm nothing but a wretch and evil in my flesh
Yet you look beyond that and choose me!
I know exactly what you came here for
And yet at every opportunity, I nail you to a tree
I'm nothing! And I beg you to let me go
And you wipe my tears away and whisper that I'm worth the keep

Your touch is unexplainable...it's so rich
It's something in which I can never afford
And you love me more and more daily
Even on the days I pierce your side with a sword
I'm so unaware of what you see in me
And yet with every tear, to you I take a step toward
I'm guilty! I'm not worthy! I'm nothing!
But every single time, I'm overcome by your presence Lord!!!

     With all that I am, I thank You!

My Love

You're my soul mate
I swear it must be fate
Because you've always been there
But I never showed you my face
Or gave you the time of day

But one day the switch just turned on
When I faced you, nothing felt wrong
I can't even explain the feeling
But I know we both came on strong
And it was instantly a love song

If only I had encountered you ten years before
In reality, I did, but quickly closed the door
I'm all over you now
But previously, when I was with you, I was just bored
And yet, today we're always on one accord

When I touch you, my body is on fire
even if I want to stop, my body rarely tires
I only have this much energy when I'm with you
Even when I get it wrong, I'll give it a million tries
If I ever had to let you go, the world would hear my soul's cry

I was made for loving you
You're the one in my life that's true
I've never been infatuated so much
It's so incredible how fast our love grew
I guess I'm just tying to say, I'm madly in love with you...

Happy

The way you look into my eyes
The way your life stories are described
To know you're always reaching out
Because I'm always on your mind

The way you stare at me
The way you keep me laughing
Just being in your presence
Makes me so happy...

The way you can be serious for a while
But when you look up, you crack a smile
The way you simply admire
The fact that I can easily run for miles

The way you're so gentle with me
Even at times when you don't have the patience to be
To know you care that much about my feelings
Creates a light in my heart that's so happy...

The way you get into deep thought, and I wonder what you're thinking
The way you scroll through your phone and your eyes blinking
Everything about your mannerisms
Traps my heart into your quicksand and it's swiftly sinking

You say everything's so messed up, but I don't see what you see
All I know is everywhere you are, is exactly where I want to be
Because for the first time in forever
You're the one person to somehow make me happy...

I Wish I Didn't

I think so much of you
You run through my mind day and night
But I can't be in love with you like I want
Because something just isn't right
But your smile can light up a room
And can easily make my day
And I want to run and tell you everything
But yet, I don't have the words to say
You're so brilliant
That I want to pick your mind
I want to know everything that you're thinking
But I can't, knowing that you could never be mine

How did we even end up here?
Am I making a huge life mistake?
I'd trust you with my life
Knowing that at any moment you could bring me heartache
But when I'm with you, I'm mesmerized
Hanging on to every single word you say
My heart says yes
Knowing that nothing will really change the days after today
But there's something about you, something special
That keeps drawing me nearer
Although my heart breaks
Every single time your reality is made clear

I feel myself playing with fire
When I much prefer the cold
But you get me every single time
When I reach out to you and you pull my body close to hold
But you have everything you want
And in the end, I'll be left all alone
One day, I'll dial your number to call
And get no answer on the other end of the phone
I don't want to lose myself in you
But I find my mood dependent on you like a crutch
I really don't know how we ended up here
But I wish I didn't love you so much...