Scared to Love You...

I think I'm in love
But I just can't say
Your smile brings the sun
Even when my day is full of rain

Every moment I spend with you
Is the best moment spent on earth
If I'm speaking the truth
In all my thoughts, you're the first

Your gentle touch
Is more romantic than a thousand kisses
It doesn't take much
For me to begin to miss it

You've become my writer's block
Because my heart is falling fast
And when our lips lock
There's not enough time that could make it last

When I close my eyes and dream
I imagine our hands intertwined
Walking slowly by a summer stream
Wondering why you took so long to find

There's so much I desire to say
I just want to pour all of my feelings out
I hope to share them with you every day
And show you what my love is all about

I want to tell you that I love you
But I just can't do it
But I'm scared to love anybody, especially you
And I'm terrified that I will blow it

So what now?

Lust's Burn

What ever happened to us?
We were so full of lust
Just beginning to trust
Again, yes again
For you, I had a crush
For a second, it felt like love
But we were foolish to rush
Into something that was more than enough

But at the wrong time
I miss your touch
Your hands caressing my face
Putting my mind into another place
This was always the case
My heart racing at an uncontrollable pace
Toxic, but I would chase
Something that was so out of place
For my character was one of grace
Not lustful and sex crazed

Damn those lips though
Take me to places I need not go
In your arms things seemed under control
But everything felt so wrong in my soul
I knew my answer should have been no
But you kissed me once and my heart turned to gold
Maybe it was tarnished, because I couldn't hold
The pain that came to my heart from lust's scold
Everything felt so good
Except the death that came to me when I said yes, knowing I should have said no.

'Love'ly Future...

I'm experiencing feelings I never felt before
I want you so badly, my heart is sore
I want to spend every moment with you, of course
And even after forever, I want more.
You're the best I ever had
And yet the one I never had
But I've never wanted someone so bad
It fills my heart with joy, and yet I'm so sad
Because nothing is yet official
Although I stay prayed up and wishful
It's clear as a crystal
That we can be something special.
Because the way your eyes glare at me
Tell me that you'll always be there for me
Even if I dared to leave
You wouldn't give up on me.
You'd treat me like a queen
I would never starve for my needs
Your open heart would listen to me
And encourage me when I'm weak.
But most of all, you love Jesus!
Who came for us, to free us
And through His power you would lead us
And I'm thankful, for it is only through Him that there can be an 'us'
So, who knows what the future holds
I have an idea, but He knows
The same God who poured out fishes and loaves
Not worried because everything He touches turns to gold.

Side note:
I'm hoping to grow old with you
Maybe birth a kid or two
Love, laugh, cry together, us two
Just to name a few....

Seeking...

The last love that I had
Was the love of my life
And it hurt me so bad
When he couldn't do right
Fast forward a year
The stuff still hurts
But I'm done shedding the tears
He didn't live up to my worth
Now I'm out on the scene
Yeah I'm dating again
Met so many guys unclean
I'd rather be by myself, than to get hurt in the end
So now, I'm sitting and thinking
I might end up alone forever
And with this heart that is sinking
It's better than a pointless endeavor
I'm a hopeless romantic
I want a love that will last
Not another lunatic
That's just a repeat of my past
Who cares who you are
My heart can be as cold as a stone
If I can't have the best of you
Then I'd much rather be alone
I don't mean to be rude
But I keep my standards high
Not looking for just another dude
If it's not for me, I'll say good-bye
Because I've already been through hell
And I'm only looking for truth
And I refuse to settle
If you ain't for me, I ain't for you.

A Man's Pursuit

Can't you see who I am?
Don' you notice my worth?
Don't you know, I'm the greatest
Of my Father's female births?
He made me to shine
He made me unique
And if you noticed all of that
You would also know to pursue me.

I was not meant to chase
I was not meant to hover
Over some man who has other plans
Other than me, to discover
I was meant to be noticed
Not having to prove myself to you
I was made to fall deeply
But only if pursued.

I was made to stand out
Share my voice and cry my pain
I was made to receive love
And to give love that's not in vain
I was made to be a light
Amongst all things subdued
But my future can be much brighter
If only pursued by you.

The truth is, I could beg
But that's not living up to my worth
Plus I'm so much greater than that
Proven since the creation of earth
I was meant to be your's forever
Once your eyes laid on me from your view
Nothing will ever break our bond
But first, you must pursue.

Over the Struggle

The say
Behind every good man
There's a good woman
But what if I'm not as good as I seem?
Out here searching for something
That's only temporarily gratifying
My body feels good
While my soul is dying
I got you thinking I'm an angel
While I really can't stand you
You wouldn't know
Because you're watching from a different angle
I'm out here gasping for air
From my heart being strangled
I have this lust inside my heart
Can't you see it in my eyes?
Thought you recognized it form the start
Or are you also in disguise?
Afraid of being judged
By all of the good guys
Or all of the good girls
Who don't even know we're barely getting by
But thank God for the Savior
Yes, I call Him my Saver
Because He dragged me out
From all of my sinful labor
I was headed towards hell
And would still be now
If He wouldn't have given me the courage to rebel
I thank my God everyday
From freeing me from my sin
I no longer feel like I'm trapped in a jail cell
I have the freedom to take a stand
To show my children
And everybody else that I can
Be a good woman
That stands behind my only man...Jesus!   

Dear Future Husband

Dear future husband,
There's so much I want to say to you
So please listen in close
I'm excited about you
I've never been so in love
I know, it's hard to believe that I've never been close
You came just at the right time
I had almost given up
And thought you would never arrive
Over the years, it's been crazy
Went through hell and back
But I thank God that I survived
I've waited for you my entire life
And I can't believe it
You're so beautiful
You're everything I've ever imagined
You make me so happy
And my life is full
I want to spend every moment with you
Clenched hand-in-hand
And gazing in each other's eyes
My love in your heart
And your love in mine
With God making sure our love never dies
I want to lay on your chest
And hear your heartbeat
Until I fall asleep
Hating to imagine my life
Living a life without you
Because our love runs so deep
I miss you already
And I don't even know you yet
But I can't wait for that day
Going to the ends of the earth, just for you
And love you with all I am 
In every possible way...

Perfect First Date...

Nerve clenching moment 
With all of the anxiety built up
So excited, I have butterflies
And I can't get enough
Began prepping two hours ahead of time
All the pressure was tough
Left home feeling so beautiful
But now there's all the other stuff...

Then the nervous doubt creeps in
Like, what if I'm too tall?
What if he's not interested in what I have to say?
What if he doesn't think I'm pretty at all?
What if he doesn't show up?
And doesn't even call?
But then I take a deep breath and tell myself
"Just be you and don't stall.

Everything will be fine.
It's you he chose."
And then he entered into the restaurant
With a perfect long stem rose
My heart just melted
So joyful, I almost froze
But then he wrapped his arms around me with a hug
And I began to feel my toes.

The conversation was great
And he had the most gorgeous eyes
He was just so handsome
But not to my surprise
He was also so smart
And said things that were wise
This was going to be great
He gave all the right signs.

Three hours later
The first date nerves were gone
We said our goodbyes
And nothing had gone wrong
Now, hopeful for a second date
Hoping it won't be too long
But that night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face
Looking at my rose and listening to love songs...

Daddy's Girl

To the prettiest girl,
You are the best, don't you know?
You have high expectations
And you're setting your goals
You work so hard
And your talent shows
You're the best you, you can be
Continue to grown.

You are the prettiest girl
Yes, inside and out
You know what love is
And you embody what love's about
You're the best lover around
Without a shadow of a doubt
When you're in the room, there's a glow
Even when the lights are out.

You are the prettiest girl
From your head to your feet
You carry yourself well
Standing 8 inches over 5 feet
But even your little yard
You call her your 'mini me'
She adores you so much
Because your love for her runs deep.

Most of all, you are the prettiest girl
Because of who's your Daddy
Despite all of your flaws
Because you are in Him, He's happy
Giving new life in your children
Is most important above all things
It's only because of Him
That you can be every and anything.

If you didn't know,
You are the prettiest girl
You're so radiantly beautiful
You are adorned more than pearls
It manifests on the inside
But is seen in your smile, eyes and hair that curls
But know that you are amazingly beautiful
Because you are the Father's little girl.

Unsure

Just what are we doing?
Are we about to ruin
Everything we once were?
Because we chose this decision?
And I'm still not sure what we're choosing
We're not together
But we're using
Each other for some pleasure
In things we probably should not be doing
But we fall every single time
Because our flesh keeps on refusing
To live the way we ought
Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing
What I've done, but I'm distraught
Because this is not what my Daddy taught
And yet, I'm ruining my days
And at the same time, you got me in a daze
Because I dream and think of you
It feels like more than just a phase
You have your hook in my spine
And I let this happen, I'm so amazed
You see, I fell for you hard
In love, like a little girl in a leotard
I'm so far gone
I didn't even realize you left me in the yard
By myself, that felt so lonely
Because I let down my guard
And now everything I thought was free
I now know was charged
To me and my feelings
I tried so hard to keep it real and
I failed miserably
Because now I'm drowning in the deep end
And I can't tell if you're seeing
Me dying while I'm peeping
At you ignoring me as you're leaving
That's really the only reason
I only love for a season
And it hurts to know I'm faking
And holding these feelings in, I'm shaking
Because I want to express what's aching
When we lay down together
And I convince myself it's lovemaking
But in reality, I love
And yet I'm not sure if you're just taking
What I throw at you and give
This isn't how we're supposed to live...
I would give you my all
If I just knew you would fall
On one knee
And plea to me
To be your everything and all
But it feels like a far-fetched dream
I look at you; you look at me
And I know that we could be
But you'll never ask me...
What is a girl to do?
I'm damaged inside
I fell in love again
And it cost me my pride
Why did I even try?
I felt this way before
It hurt like hell the first time
But still, I reopened the door
And everyday still, I want more
I have to stop myself now
Before I rob myself blind
I have to end this with you now
I know that it's time...
But I just can't...

My Dream...

Of the things I dream of most
Love is on the highest post
I dream of you and I on the coast
And in love we boast
I dream of laughting and celebrating as hosts
And I smile your way when you give a toast
In front of family, friends and other folks
When I dream of a dream, I suppose...

Of the things I dream to reach
Your hands included with a walk on the beach
And express your love for me
As I hang on to every little word of your speech
And all of the other things you aim to teach
Nothing capable of bringing our commitment to a breach 
Every day as simple as sharing a peach
These just being some of the things I dream...

Of all the things I dream, I dream of you
The two of us forever is the perfect view
Sailing on a sea of dreams, just us two
Candlelit dinners, flowers, and a gentle kiss, to name a few
Adding a couple more kids to our crew
Tying the knot first, and I'm not talking about shoes
Your spirit is with me and I already love you
This coule be less of a dream, if only you, I knew...

I Have A Dream

I dream of you
I dream of you often
I dream of little dreams
And I don't want to stop them.

I have a dream
That's so painfully perfect
In a field of flowers
Walking hand in hand, nothing imperfect
The sun shining down
Blessing our sinful desires
The touch of your soft skin
Is all my body desires...

I have a dream
Of laying my head upon your chest
You hold me tight as I listen to your heartbeat
And in that moment, who cares about the rest
Soaking up every single minute with you
Lost in the touch of your warmth
Hoping to be stuck with you forever
And praying tonight for storms...

I have a dream
That I can look into your beautiful eyes for a lifetime
And that all of my dreams are wrapped up in you
We don't even have to keep track of time
There's nothing that can keep us apart
Every second is our forever
Our hopes, wants and things everlasting
Would be ours to share...

I have a dream
That this dream would never end
And when I woke up
It starts all over again
Because it's all for real
Although a fairytale it seems
To share the rest of my life with you
That's my only dream...

The Hard Let Down

I fell in love hard
And now I'm slipping away
To my dismay
Because I think of you night and day
And yet my heart is decaying
You've made me so afraid
Because every time I think you love me
You show me you feel another way.

I'm headed for a breakdown
Because you keep on butchering me
Just the moment I thought your love was free
My heart gets a chill from the fee
Oh, God, why is this happennig to me?
I truly thought you were my dream
But I never expected this from you
So, I guess this dream wasn't meant to be.

My lonely heart cries out for you
I just knew you were the one
Now I just look dumb
Because I can't even recall where you came from
Did you just come into my life for fun?
And now you're deciding to be done?
Wow, you've hurt me in the worst way
Completely stunned.

You said you never meant to hurt me
But I just don't believe that's true
Because this whole time you only chose you
Why did you do what you do?
Charming one minute and the next crude
You left my heart completely bruised
My only regret in the exchange
Is that I fell madly in love with you...

Crushed Love

Why do you build me up?
Only to let me down?
Why do you get my hopes up?
Just to disappoint me?
Why do you even care at all?

I thought you were all I needed
But now I'm not so sure
I spent time pleading
But I can't beg you anymore
If you can't honestly see.

I think you are so perfect
And I love you just the way you are
That I forgot that my heart needed protection
Burned once again
And I was the burned object.

I wish you could wrap your arms around me
And assure me everything will be alright
I'm at a loss for words and can't breathe
Things will never be alright
I guess this is how it has to be...

I Want More...

When I'm with you
I want more
Just to look into your eyes
And just adore
The way you look
When you think
Or the way your lips move
When you speak
The way you crack a smile
When you question what I'm thinking
Or that I know you're in deep thought
When your eyes get to blinking...

Yes, when I'm with you
I just want more
Time with you
Whether on the couch, the porch or the floor
None of that matters
When I'm in your presence
Because just touching your hand
Is the most special present
If we could touch all of the time
That would be amazing
Being with you is the best feeling in the world
I've never felt so free...

When we hang out together
I just want more
I cant get enough
And I don't even remember what it was like before
You teach me so much
Things I've never known
How to play chess, online marketing
I love to listen to you speak of it, though much of it I still don't know
Just to hear your passion
Makes me smile
And when we're riding together
I soak up every second and every mile...

When we cuddle together
I just want more
And it makes me dream about the future
And what just might be in store
I love when you rub my forehead
Or gently touch my nose
Or when you give the best hugs
I just want another dose
When we're together
You're just so passionate about me
And the way that makes me feel
Is the reason I never want to leave...

Oh but when you kiss me
I want nothing more
Ok, maybe I do want more
Before you close the door
Whether on the forehead or the cheek
They always make me feel like a beautiful lady
And they put me in a playful mood
If only you would let me
Most of all, you make me feel wanted
And probably has you questioning what to do with me
Follow your heart
And just be all about me...

Because you are who you are
I just want more
I'm all about the Benjamin
It rained with you, and I want it to pour
I'm so fascinated with you
And I just can't get enough
You're the first person in a long time
That I completely trust
You've totally changed my life
I wish you knew just how much
And I can't help but want more
Because it's you that I love...

I'm Sorry...

I don't know what I did
But I'm sorry
You don't know how much I cared
And I'm sorry
We were first friends
Then became lovers
Then you disappeared
Like you're undercover
But I think it's unfair
That you're mad at me now
You say I hurt you greatly
But you won't tell me how
I'm confused
Because I thought I was charming
I loved you
And now I'm saying that I'm sorry
I can only think of
A handful of things I did
But I don't think they're worth
You treating me like you did
If it was something that I said
Please get it out of your head
And tell me
So we can make up instead
Don't take it too serious
If it was something that I wrote
Free expression is just for fun
It's the one thing that I'm good at and know
If it was something that I promised
And that promise wasn't kept
Just let me know
So we can stop going left
I don't know what else to ask
This is new ground for me
Just know I loved you
And I wanted you definitely
but let's be real for a second
You said we were only just friends
And you wouldn't commit
Because you had other friends
I remember you said that to me
And that really freakin hurt
You said you cared
I felt you didn't see my worth
But I just kept going
And I understood completely
Because I was newly single
Trying to find me
But we are two different people
And feel different about things
You were the first I fell for
After I lost my rings
You crushed me bad, when you ignored me
And I really just can't believe
That you won't tell me
Why your heart is so grieved
What I thought was important
Was that we were friends
And we'd be honest with each other
No matter the circumstance
Well let me be honest
Once and for all
Please just listen
And don't stall
You were a great friend to me, although you hurt me in between
But I wouldn't let it come between me and you
But what's going on here, has me torn up into tears
Because I was catching feelings and loved you
I loved everything you did
Accept the fact you couldn't commit
Had even imagined in the future
You meeting my kids
But what saddens me so much
Is what you're keeping from me
You said I hurt you bad
But you won't even tell me
But you're always saying
That I can only be me
And if that's true
Then maybe I should just leave
Because if you can't tell me the truth
After feeling so bad
I just can't imagine
The kind of love we'd have
But for the record
I think it's unfair
For you to be so upset
But won't allow me to clear the air
But know that I really loved you
As much as life
And you hurt me badly too
Being cold as ice
But I'll say it, I'm sorry
Not just so I can have you back
But just because
I know I hurt you so bad
Sometime in your life
I hope you choose to forgive me
Because I admit
That I can only be me
BMH, I don't know what I did
But I'm sorry
And I'll continue to care
Even if you never accept my, "I'm sorry."

Bitter Sweet Bitter

It's bitter sweet bitter
It was from the start
You gave me some time
And I gave you my heart
Now I feel stranded
All by myself
Because I wanted you only
And you wanted everyone else
But I know now
What I also knew then
We should've never been together
We should've never began
But we did
And these are the repercussions
No phone call from you
And I have all these questions
Like why did you do this to me?
Why pretend to like all that you'd seen?
Why no call?  Why just fall off?
And how could you do this to me?

Bitter sweet bitter
We were friends from the start
Then become lovers
Which explains my broken heart
It was destined to end so badly
Because we did not do this God's way
But it doesn't make it feel better
There's still so much I want to say
But I don't have the strength
I don't have the words
It just hurts so bad
Is that my worth?
Because I loved you once
Never to love you again
Who needs enemies
If this is how you treat a friend?

Bitter sweet bitter
Yes, some of it is my fault
I was your's the second
I heard your voice call
My name, for your sake
I was in a bad place
But everything moved so quickly
And started to change
I was mad at myself
Now I'm disgusted with you
Because I gave you all of me
And you played me like a fool
I'm so done
Still confused
I still love you
But damn it, I'm through
Why right now?
Why right then?
I'm done asking these questions
I won't let you win!

Bitter sweet bitter
I'm so glad that you're gone
But I'm hurting right now
And I'm singing this song
Bitter sweet bitter
I learned a hard lesson
But it still hurts the same
But I gotta let go
I'm so tired of the games
Bitter sweet bitter
I thought we were friends
But you hurt me like this
I can't do this again
Bitter sweet bitter...
Bitter sweet bitter...

Celibate

What did I do?
Why did I do that?
I was looking for love
But I got nothing back
Feeling used
I'm not amused
And I'm hurt bad this time
I gave him everything
And he wasn't even mine
Maybe I was hoping
Maybe I was dreaming
While I was falling hard
He was just scheming...
But that's how it goes
When you give up the cookie
It's too early in the game
And he played you like a rookie
It's sad, but it's true
And it's happening to you
If you don't stop now
It's going to ruin you!

What was I thinking?
Why like that?
You didn't even work for it
And I gave it up, just like that
Feeling hurt
Feeling lost
But that's what they do
There's always a cost
To loving him
When he doesn't love you
Just let it go
Leave him alone
No matter how you try
He just isn't the one
Life goes on
You'll understand
If you leave boys alone
You'll find a real man!

Because love...no lust
Is just so full of it
When you don't know what you're doing
And you're playing with it
It can hurt, it can cheat
It can tear your life up
If you just let it be
Girl just quit
Don't give it up
Be ok with yourself
And remain celibate.

Don't Beg

Please don't look back now
Don't say you miss me
Don't call me beautiful
Just let me be
Don't do this again
I just want to be free
From you and all of the craziness
Remember, you told me to leave
To be apart is what you wanted
Or maybe now you're beginning to see
That you made a huge mistake
When you decided to leave our family...

Please don't contact me
And don't call me late nights
When you ruined our family
You gave up those rights
Just to think about all you put me through
All those unforgetful fights
I was in the dark then
But I finally turned on the lights
And got myself together
Convinced now that I wasn't your type
Because I was a stand up chick
And didn't fit into your street life

Please just stop where you are
Because, honestly, I don't love you anymore
I left our love that night
When I slammed the door
And I'm not going back on my word
That I wasn't coming back anymore
I experienced late nights alone
Crying to myself on the floor
Because the man I had given everything to
Hurt me to the core
And I'm on my way to discovering
All that this life has in store

And please don't get mad at my words
What did you really expect?
Did you just expect me to crawl back?
Even after the ultimate disrespect?
I loved you more than anybody
And you treated me like a reject
I came to terms that I wasted ten years
But I'm done with that project
I'm not trying to hurt or tear you down
I'm just trying to be direct
So, please just don't come at me like this again
And seriously, please don't beg.

I meant it when I said, "I'm done!"

No love lost...

Man, I miss you badly
And it's only you that I miss
I'm sitting in heavy traffic
And my mind reminisces on our first kiss
But I don't even recognize you these days
Because all I'm getting from you is dis-
Respect for being a friend to you first
And I can't even lie
The stuff really hurts
For you to not even recognize it
Is what makes the pain worse
We had some good times
But I know this is not what I deserve...

Man, I liked you badly
Even thought you might've been the one
But the vibes I'm getting from you
Feels like a one and done
As much as I tried to hang on
In a blink of an eye, the thrill was gone
And it just doesn't feel right
Because I know there's something there
But I refuse to keep torturing myself night after night
With the thought of those sweet times together
A huge part of me just wants to fight
For you, because you mean a lot to me
But right now you just seem out of sight...

Man, I had it for you badly
We just had so much fun
You were so sweet and made me laugh
Which is why I'm so stunned
I never thought it would be like this
But truthfully, I'd rather just stay gone
If this is what it's going to cost
My heart...she just can't play this game
As much as I try to act like a boss
I'm still a soft, emotional woman
And I just can't take being tossed
So, know that even though my heart is broken
There's no love lost...

Many Men

Man number one
I want to have fun
And spend some more time with you
You have a great smile
Can I stare at it a while
From here, it's an amazing view
You make me so happy
Every time you see me
I never want our moments to end
But when it's time for me to go
We say our good-byes real slow
And I wish we could start all over again...

I want you as my man...

Man number two
I don't know what to do
And I really can't grasp the words to say
You're funny to me
Make me feel like I'm sexy
And you're thinking of me night and day
And I can see us being together
Yet I don't know if we would last forever
There's just something strange about you
But I can see you with my family
And making me so happy
But damn, I've got trust issues...

But it's only with you...

Man number three
I know you're tired of me
Because I'm obsessing all of the time
Back in the day, we used to kick it
Whenever I called, you were with it
I just knew that you would be mine
When I went through stormy weather
You expressed you wanted to be together
And a baby came on the scene
I couldn't deal with it back then
And I promised I'd never do it again
I could never tell you the secret...that's safe with me...

With you, I can't even dream...

Man number four
If you came knocking at my door
I really wouldn't know who you were
Because I don't really even know you
Though I want to get to know you
If the opportunity were ever to occur
There is one thing interesting
And that's the age in between
There's a difference of 20 years between us
But you're so intriguing to me
And when you speak, you are so sweet
We're just friends and I don't know if I should rush

So I'll just keep it on the hush...

Back to man number uno
I had to come back so that you know
That you have a special place in my heart
I've always loved your personality
And you've always been attracted to me
It's so hard to tear these feelings apart
You understand that I've been damaged
"I love you," in sign language
And I don't want to let you go
But I never know just how you feel
Is this fake or is it for real
I just need you to let me know...

But I don't want to hear, "no...."

So Lonely

I'm going through withdrawal
And yes, it's true
I don't know what you're thinking
But I know how I'm feeling
And for the record...I thought I loved you
But now I'm having second thoughts
When we're together we have a ball
But now I get the feeling you don't care at all
Through my eyes, it's how I see it
If you no longer care, then so be it
I take the blame...this is all my fault.

Because I gave you my heart too early
Thinking you were only interested in me
Fooled myself by thinking that this love was free
But now there's nobody here but me...
I'm so lonely.

I'm going through withdrawal
And it's not on purpose
Now my heart is left in so much pain
And I have nothing to show anything that I've gained
This makes me nervous
Because I put it all out there for you
You asked questions and I told you the truth
And I really ain't got nothin to prove
Except now I'm lying here, in a bucket of tears
And I'm tired of walking away from my fears
Damn, I love you!

I know I gave you my heart too early
Hoping you were only interested in me
Fooled myself into thinking that your love was free
But now I'm here with nobody but me
I'm so lonely.

How do I deal
With how I feel?
I've been here so many times before
But you just came
And stole my heart from me
I'm not ashamed
And I don't blame....you
Because I let this happen to me
But I know that I love you!
I care so much for you!
I'm begging you to rescue me!

Why did I give you my heart too early?
Thinking you were only interested in me
Fooled myself into thinking we would always be
But now you're not even here with me
I'm so lonely...

A Day In Your Shoes

What if I lied to you for years
And wasn't even moved by your tears
Committed myself to contributing to your fears
And played these games for years
These are the questions I ask myself as I steer
In a completely different direction from here
Let's switch roles so you can imagine how I feel...

What if ten years ago, after we were wed
I took back the promises that I stood there and said
Proclaimed I'd rather keep dirty secrets from you
Than to make love in our bed
And it all started six short months after
Those beautiful vows we read

What if I walked in the house late every night of the week
Would sleep on the couch so I wouldn't have to speak
What if I was that cold to you
After you promised everything to me
You stayed committed and faithful
And I began to creep

What if I constantly gave my number out
And men began calling me, filling your head with doubt
That you were the only man for me
Damn, what's that all about?
I left you at home, making you feel useless
While I took the darker route

What if I dabbled with things I had no business in
I smoked something crazy and began to ruin
My brain; I was paranoid and acting stupid
Acting out so much that I was sent to the loony bin
What if I had followed through with killing myself
And left you alone with the kids...what then?

And even after that you took me back
Gave me another chance to get on track
Why did you do that for me?
Should have been the question you asked
But I just couldn't stay away
I went right back like I had an addiction to crack

What if I had a secret so big...the worst that could hurt you
Not only did I cheat, I'm having a baby with him too
Please don't leave me, I know I didn't tell you til now
Because I just didn't know what to do
Now he wants to be in my life
But baby I only want you

And you let me back in
And just when we seem like we're beginning to win
We begin to fall apart
Because I can't keep up my end
You work so hard and smile
Even though I'm headed back again

What if I completely lose it one night
And we get into this huge fight
And without even thinking, I knock you in the face
Deep down I knew it wasn't right
So I leave for the night
Hoping it'll leave your mind if I'm out of sight

And I continue to lie, cheat and smoke
Maybe sell a little dope
Knowing that I shouldn't
But it's the only thing I know
You're thinking not keeping a job is for losers
While I think keeping a job is a joke

Even after all those times you took me back, I can't cope anymore
So I demand for you to leave and get the hell out my door
It's midnight but I don't care, take the kids with you
You promise when you leave, there will be chances no more
So I spend my life doing nothing with myself
I just don't care anymore

Hypothetically, if I were you, I'd drown myself in beer
For destroying all of the things you once held dear
I was searching for nothing and found nothing still
No matter what I've done, you've bounced back into gear
Just kept moving forward
With no ounce of fear

But in reality, since I'm me, I hate what you've become
You're filthier than the bottom of my shoe, with dried up gum
I'll always care for you, however, for who you once were
Not this careless bum
And after all of this crap I've been through with you
I'm excited and ready to serve you papers, I'm finally done.

Bottled Up Feelings

I have all of these bottled up feelings
And I have to get them off of my chest
These feelings are just overflowing
But if I don't get them out I won't rest
You are forever on my mind
During the day, at night, even in my dreams
Why didn't I notice your spark before
When we were on the high school track team?
I don't know why things happen like they do
But I'm glad I ran back into you
And now a decade later
My heart wonders why I didn't consider you
I have all of these things
That I want to say
I don't know how this will come out
But I'm going to find a way
Like I love your big bold eyes
And how they stare back at me
They always have thoughts behind them
And yet they make me feel dreamy
I love that you're so intellectual
And that you read books all of the time
Especially, when you offer to read to me
With you, that's my favorite pastime
I love that you have a witty sense of humor
And constantly make me laugh
It calms me to think about it
When I'm feeling the urge of wrath
I love it most when you gently touch my face
Or when you teach me something new
It's the main reason
Why I'm so captivated by you
Your gentle kisses to my cheek
Is my favorite over all
They make me feel so special
Like I'm your favorite of all
Or how you give the best hugs
And hold my hand when we're laying
Do all of the things I love
When we're playing
I love it how you're such a gentleman
And how you're so good to me
All of these things
Are the reasons I dream that we will be
But I don't know the future
And I don't know what you're thinking
But I do know that I'm into you
And I think you are nothing short of amazing.

I Think I Love You

I've been caught up in your eyes
And much to my surprise
My heart got played
Because when I wasn't seeking
You were peeking
And now, your heart is what my heart craves
Why you? Why now?
When did this happen and how?
It's strange falling upon love like this
But I'm enjoying every minute
And every moment we've spent
Can we just wrap it up and seal it with a kiss?
Everything about you intrigues me
And I would tell you details, if I thought you'd believe me
And I would share so much more
If you could just pour your heart out
Show me what your committed love is all about
Like I'm the only woman you'll ever adore
I believe in you so much though
I believe you'll be very successful and business will grow
And that's only the beginning
Of all the things I feel
And I wish I could speed it up to make it real
And hope there's no ending
You have completely caught me off guard
I wasn't ready and neither was my heart
But all of this feels so new
This unexplainable explosion of joy
You make it so hard for me to catch my breath boy
Biting my thumb and shaking my head because I think I love you...

If I Knew Then...

If I knew then, what I know now
Maybe things would be different
Perhaps, I would have learned to listen
More...I think as my tears are glistening

If I knew then what I know now
Maybe I would have matured quicker
The pain wouldn't have been as thick
My heart would not feel this sick

If I knew then what I know now
Maybe I would have noticed your gentle glance
Perhaps given you a chance
Even taken you up on an offer to dance

If I knew then what I know now
I wouldn't have wasted ten years
And avoided shifting my life in different gears
And just maybe wouldn't be experiencing so many fears

If I knew then what I know now
I would have loved more freely
I would have enjoyed just being me
Damn, if things were only that easy

If I knew then what I know now
I would have loved you when we were on the same team
We could have shared the same dreams
Oh how I would go back if I could change things

If I knew then what I know now
Maybe I wouldn't go
But it's fun to imagine though
Because what I didn't know then, is now what I know...

Truth Is...

If you keep it real with me
I'll keep it real with you
Just tell me what you want me to do
We can't go on like this
We're gonna make a mess
So please just tell me the truth.

The truth is...
We started off as friends
But ended up something much more
But when I first met you
Had not the slightest clue
Of what exactly was in store
Now I've fallen hard
Your love is off the charts
But I'm scared to keep it real with you
Because I don't want to be played
I can't go through the games
I really don't know what to do...

The truth is...
I think you're the best thing for me
But to tell you, honestly
I'm just so scared of what you're thinking
Because if its not about me
And this is just a fling
It would send my heart sinking
Because I've fallen so hard
I can't stand to be apart
But what if that's our destiny?
I know that I love you
But I would never tell you
Because I don't know what is happening...

The truth is...
I dream about you everyday
Dream of being with you for eternity
I even think about it when I'm awake
You got me sprung boy, I
Can't share my feelings, because I
Am scared that you may be living a lie
In what you say about me
What do you feel for me?
I need to know before I walk out and leave...

If you keep it real with me
I'll keep it real with you
Just tell me what you want me to do
We can't go on like this
We're gonna make a mess
So please just tell me the truth...

Lost Affection

I gave you everything
My heart
My soul
My love
But when it came to you
You gave me nothing
No nothing
How do you expect me to trust
That when you tell me that you love me
It's real
I need to lay it on the line
Give me a second
Let me tell you how I feel:

I have this strong affection
A deep connection
But it's a one sided feeling to me
I want you to myself
Don't need nobody else
But I refuse to get down on my knees
But it doesn't matter what I say
If you're not looking my way
Then just turn around and let me leave
Because I love you
But I refuse to play the fool
No, no, no, no.  I cannot do that to me...

You Made Me Cry

For all those times you said you would
For all those times you said you won't
For all those times you laid upon my chest
For all those times I wish you were gone
All those times...

For all those times you hurt me bad
For all those times you made me mad
For all those times I really wanted to leave
The way things went, I wished I had
All those times...
All those times...

You made me cry
Broke me inside
I needed to leave you
But I didn't have it in me to try
Why? Why? Why?
You made me cry...

For all those times you looked at me wrong
For all those times you never came home
For all those nights I felt alone
For all those times, I played it off
All those times...

For all those times you tore me down
For all those times you slept around
For all those times you could never be found
And my heart was stomped into the ground
All those times...
All those times...

You made me cry
Boy, you hurt me inside
Should've left you a long time ago
But didn't have the guts to try
Why? Why? Why?
You made me cry...

For all those times I trusted you
For all those times I had faith in you
For all those times that you wanted me to
I still made love to you
For all those nights that I gave in
For all those nights that I was your friend
For all those nights that would never end
I won't go through that again!

You made me cry
You burned out my pride
I had to leave you
I was scared but I tried
Why? Why? Why?
I can't sit here and cry...
I'm so tired of crying...
No more making me cry

Standing Alone

Why you're so cold
I'll never know
But I can't take it anymore
I can't feel my toes
And my body's gone numb
You shut me out and left me in the snow
My heart can't handle this pain
I gave you everything
But have nothing left to gain
My thoughts are locked up in my brain
There is nothing left to say
You left me and now I'm going to do the same.

I loved you once
And I loved you real good
Yet some things were never really understood
Like how you told me you loved me
But you would never ever hug me
Where you're standing now is where I once stood....
Alone.

Why you're so angry
Played in my mind
Over and over all the time
And it always left me wondering why
I'd never ever press rewind
Because you never acted like you were mine
It hurt me so much
When you hit me, I'd had enough
I'm a tough girl, but I ain't that tough
You were so rough
I lost your trust
And now I'm through with your stuff.

I loved you twice
Even though I was scared
I wanted to leave, but wouldn't dare
Because of what I thought you'd do to me
Would you hurt me, curse me, kill me
I know it sounds crazy, but I'd rather be standing...
Alone.

Why you hated me so
I've always asked
Was it my intelligence, my beauty?
Or all the baggage from the past
I never knew
But I'm so glad we didn't last
This here was so unreal
Nobody will ever know just how I feel
Hurting me was like your life's dirty thrill
Had me thinking about popping pills
But instead, I took back my will
And I hope one day you feel every little thing I feel.

I loved you three times
Damn, I must've been crazy
To think that I could keep you as my baby
I'm through with your love
Never again want to feel your touch
This shit was too much, and you can remain standing...
Alone.

Head Over Heels

I'm falling, I've fallen
For you and only you
My heart can't take anymore
I know just what to do
I'm overwhelmed with joy
Whenever you're in the room
I'm shouting from the rooftops
That I'm so in love with you!

You make my heart beat fast
Then you calm it down
I'll gladly be your's forever
If you promise to stick around
Your love's consuming me
That it becomes so hard to breathe
So I'll say this only once
I've fallen for you, I'm head over heels for you...

I'm falling, I've fallen
You know in your heart, it's true
When you're so close I'm anxious
That my body knows not what to do
This feeling, this feeling
Is incredible and amazing
When you kiss me on my cheek
It sends my heart racing!

You make my heart beat fast
Then you calm it down
I'll gladly be your's forever
If you promise to stick around
Your love's consuming me
That it becomes so hard to breathe
So I'll say this only once
I've fallen for you, I'm head over heels for you...

You're all that I want
You're all that I need
I'd do anything for you
If you just open your lips and ask me
Don't play any games, I'm not the same
Because you've already given me a taste
You like to chase, I like the same
You've captured my heart and you're to blame!

You make my heart beat fast
Then you calm it down
I'll gladly be your's forever
If you promise to stick around
Your love's consuming me
That it gets so hard to breathe
So I'll say this only once
I've fallen for you, I'm head over heels for you...

Addicted

I wanted it
I got it
Now I can't go long without it
You love me
So well
I'm telling all my friends about it
You're into me
I know
And I would never ever doubt it
I'm around you so much
Problem:
I'm addicted!

You say no
I say yes
And then you let me have my way
You try to resist
But I obsess
I love playing this game
Cuz I'ma win
Everytime
There's no need to even try
If you say no, I'll say yes
You may stress
But I'ma stay.

Now that I've had it
It's so painful
Because I want you every time
I see your face
I want my space
Yet, you're always on my mind
The way you smile
The way ou kiss
I can't get enough of this
Your love's like WOW!
I need you now
OMG! I'm so addicted!

You say go
I say no
And then I always get my way
Resist my kisses
But I just press
My lips on your's during this game
And I'ma win
Every time
There's no need to even try
If you say no, I'll say yes
You may resist
But I'ma stay.

Your love is the best
And I can't even stress
How good it is to me
I want you forever
Even through the stormy weather
So you'll always be by me
Everything that you are
I want you in my life
And everything you want to be
Just say those words
Whisper in my ear
You're addicted to me!!!

You say no
I say yes
And then you let me have my way
You try to resist
But I obsess
I love playing this game
Cuz, I'ma win
Every time
There's no need to even try
If you say no, I'll say yes
You may stress
But I'ma stay.

My Help

Deal with me, Lord
Lord, deal with me now
I know I've done wrong
And got off the track somehow
Heart shattered into pieces
Because of how I've wronged You
And because I've disrespected myself
That hurts so badly too!
I need forgiveness Father
Can't believe I did this to us
For a good time of love
And sinful lust
I disregarded Your guidance
And all that You've done
You show me so much love
And yet I showed You none
I'm so disappointed
Can't help but be ashamed
Because I took my own path
And have only myself to blame
Wow, I can't believe it was that easy
To allow Satan to sneak in
He had me for a minute
But I'm putting that to an end
I need You, Father
Like never before
I opened it up
But Daddy, please shut the door
Deal with me and my sin
Create purpose for me
Shield me from my sinful nature
So from You, I won't flee
Be my partner forever
Never leave my side
Constantly whisper in my ear
So in You, I will abide
Lord, I messed up
And that was easy, console my heart
Give me wisdom and guide me
So we'll never be apart
I was hurtful and careless
I'm sorry for what I've done
I'm disappointed and angry
Like I'm the only one
Father, I know I messed up
But I'm repenting right here
Just tell me You love me
And that You'll forever be near
Deal with me Lord
I'm begging on my knees
I can't do this anymore, Lord
Help me Jesus...please...

Heartbreak Hotel

Heartbreak hotel
Is this what it feels like?
With a smile on my face
But hurting on the inside
I have nobody else to blame
Except for myself
For doing inappropriate things
That are bad for my health
But I couldn't help it, you were there
And I was attracted to you
You captured my heart
By the things you would do
I wanted you for me
As selfish as it seems
But we all have desires
Hopes, wishes, thoughts and dreams
But mine are sailing away
Right before my very eyes
But with the things that we did
Should I really be surprised?
Daddy always taught me
There'd be days like this
But I never imagined heartache
On top of free flowing bliss
I did this to myself
Because I gave it away
But it was so good at the time
Yes, was all I could say
And now my flesh burns for more
As my heart is on the floor
Crushed and bleeding overwhelmingly
In worse shape than before
But I know I knew better
I had learned the lesson
That you can't do dirty things
Then try to count your blessin'
Man, why this? Why now?
How could I do this to me?
Living dangerously in love
Or just living dangerously
I got caught up into this
I got caught up into you
I got caught up in love
And now there's nothing I can do
And I feel like a fool
Because you said no
I'm crying a bucket of tears
And my feelings are broke
Feeling just like a joke
Feeling trapped in a prison cell
It's the worst feeling in the world
Living in heartbreak hotel...

The Battle

Why this battle?
Why right now?
I want to fight it
But I just don't know how
My body is weak
My heart is worn
I'm just so tired
What am I fighting for?
It happened so quickly
It came out of nowhere
I call on Your name
But You don't seem to be there
My heart just sank
When the doctor gave me the news
I prayed and I prayed
That this wasn't really true
But I couldn't fight fate
Or that lump in my breast
In that instant, it felt like a bullet
Spearing through my chest
I did everything right
At least, it seemed
Ate right, exercised, smoke free
I was living the dream
I was on top of my game
I was on top of the world
But this battle right here
Has turned me into a helpless little girl
I'm so outraged!
I just want to scream!
I can't win this fight
I just don't have it in me
Chemo, radiation
I can't deal with the pain
Who cares if I lose this life?
When, another life I'll gain
I'm sitting in this dark room
Making my choice
Been praying for hours
And then I hear His voice...
He said, "What are you doing?
Don't you trust me?
Did I not give you this life?
Am I not He?
I would not put more on you
Than you could ever bare
So stop sobbing like that
And get up from there.
Believe in yourself
And believe in me
And believe I have given you
All the strength you need.
And if you end up with me in heaven
The battle is not in vain
Did I not endure pain too?
Just for your name?
I died on the cross
Just so you could live to fight
Fight through anything and keep me first
And you will be alright
So go be an inspiration
And proclaim my name
And know sooner or later
We will see each other again."
And just like that He was gone
And I was left feeling brave
Before I was down on my luck
But I knew now how to behave
Months later, it got worse
And my body couldn't bare
The pain in my breast
From the cancer that was there
Weeks later, I lost that battle
But I had no fear
Because those painful four months
My Jesus was near
And I'm eternally with Him
So don't cry for me
I'm enjoying my new life
So be happy for me
Remember, you may lose the battle
But you can win the war
If you proclaim His name
And know what you're fighting for.

Confused love...

I should've looked closer
Many years ago
I should've tried to get to know you
But I just didn't know
That you had a thing for me
Why didn't you say so?
If you would've just stepped to me
I wouldn't be writing this note

So, I guess I have you to thank
For my inspiration
Being in your presence
Builds on all of this anticipation
To know what it's like
When we kiss....the sensation
The way you flirt with me
You should get a standing ovation

Speaking of flirtation
I love the way you touch me
The way you look into my eyes
Like you're so endearing
The way you invite me to lay with you
As you open a book and read to me
The way you hug me and kiss me
Like I'm your everything

It's so incredible
Because I've loved before
At least I thought I had
Until you walked through the door
In comparison to others
You're far from a bore
And you always leave me
Wanting, craving and anticipating more

My heart has been shocked
And brought back to life
I'd love to be with you
Just not quite yet husband and wife
Although you'll make a great husband
On the day your knot's tied
And I'll be an amazing wife again
When the timing is right

But what I'd like to do
Is love you right here
I'll call you "my honey"
And you'll call me "my dear"
To touch you whenever I want
Whenever you're near
To define what this is
And make it very clear

But truth be told
I would love whatever
Even if it's just friends
Yet, we walk and hold hands together
To just hang out with you
And do whatever
Or just cuddle with you
Throughout the stormy weather

That's how bad I've got it
I got it bad for you
I know what I want
But don't want to force you to choose
I do want to win
But I definitely don't want to lose
God, help me, if You will
I'm so confused

I don't know what to do....